talking to myself

Tired Eyes

I spent this past weekend staring at my laptop screen, feeling useless. I granted myself freedom from school work on Saturday and spent it watching Mad Men and YouTube videos. While Netflix was streaming endless episodes on my Macbook Air, I played Clash Royale on my iPhone. When I felt the anxiety of my piled assignments, I reassured myself that I would complete it tomorrow.

My parents weren’t home this weekend, and when I wasn’t in bed relaxing beside my laptop, I was in the kitchen preparing lunch/dinner with my laptop on the counter. Have you ever had days where you can physically tell that your eyes are strained, yet still continue to stare at the screen?

Today is Sunday, and I forced myself to bus to a coffee shop and get some work done (the three hours spent working were very productive). I realized I work better with people around me than in the comfort of my own home. Even if I have to pay for a coffee, it’s worth every penny when I produce great work within a shorter amount of time – I just have to get my ass up and do it.

I came home and after a five minute walk in the first snowfall of the year, I realized how fast time is passing. My parents were home and I had dinner with them together in the living room. As I used chopsticks to grab chicken and spinach onto my plate, both my mom and dad were watching different Chinese shows on their iPads (mind you, in full blast). My mom looked up once at me and told me that I have bad acne. I stared back at her and didn’t say a word. I sat there in silence, shoving rice into my mouth as quickly as I could.

As I write this, I’m now in bed, about to finish a novel for one of my classes. I still hear my mom’s iPad blasting downstairs, and wonder how long things are going to be like this. I’ve been feeling inadequate, lonely and emotional.

I keep telling myself I don’t have that spark anymore.

The thing is, I used to ignore all the negativity in my mind. Now, I think I’m starting to believe in them. I hope in my next update I’ll be in a more positive mindset, but right now I wish I could take a break from life. This year has taken a toll on me psychologically, and I think with the right amount of meditation and silence I can be in a healthier state of mind.

❤ Bren


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